Totally And Utterly Useless Or Unrealistic Things That I Want To Have.

Posted: April 19, 2008 in Life

(Useless)   I want my own entrance music and location specific pyro. And I don’t want one that starts when I walk into the room either. None of that stuff where you hear the first note as the guy walks into sight. No, my ego wants one like Metallica’s, Christian Cage’s or Chris Jericho’s. With Metallica, the warm up act was over and you would wait and wait and wait for them to come out. Rather than just coming out with no build up, Metallica played Ennio Morricone’s “The Ecstasy of Gold” over the speaker system. Fans knew that once that started playing the band was coming. Great build up. With Jericho and Cage, you get a countdown/music intro to get everyone’s heads turning and the anticipation up. That’s what I want.

(Unrealistc)   I want a TV Time Tuner. Never heard of it before? Well, that’s because I just made it up. What it “is” would be something like the normal TV tuner box, but it would have three additional tuners to go along with the standard channel option. One would be the month-day-year control, one would be location and the other would be time of day.

   Now, most of you are just thinking about being able to catch the game despite work or some silly, trivial thing like that. No. Stuff that. That’s what they gave you DVRs for. Me? I want to be able to go on a nostalgia binge. That TV show I loved that isn’t on anymore and will likely never see DVD release? That’s my target for the tuner. Yeah, Struck by Lightning, Condo, uncut WKRP, Children of the Stones, Into the Labyrinth, Brimstone and Grapevine (the first one, not the crappy second one) are just waiting out there somewhere.

   And, hey, what about the real geek out moments? What about all those Doctor Who episodes that were destroyed years before the BBC knew what that show would one day become? There’s a popcorn night with fellow geeks for yah. And what do you think you could make $$$$$$ wise by hooking that baby up to a good DVD recorder and selling the “found” prints to the BBC these days? Or what about all those other things lost to time? Be a lazy geek and set for life.


(Unrealistic)   I want the six panel workout program. Oh come on… You’ve seen it. We all have. Every comic book reader has. 90% of the comics out there used to cover the history of a character with very little deep detail unless it was the origin story. Other than that, you got the “and after years of training and honing his skills” bit where you saw six panels of gymnastics, weight lifting, running, martial arts and whatnot followed by a panel of the hero standing there looking like he was chiseled out of stone. Well, I want that program cause the regular one is taking way too long to get back in shape with and it’s hard to do with an infant in the house demanding your every second of attention.

(Useless)   Belly button lint removal nanobots. Nuff said.

(Useless & Unrealistic)   Portaljons. Look again, there’s an “L” in there. See, I was watching Stargate SG-1 and figured that tech like that would have much better uses than space travel. How about a small, carry-on size gate with locked in coordinates to another gate on Pluto or something. Whenever you need to go, you just find an isolated area free from prying eyes, open the gate and get rid of that last bottle of water you gulped down. And if the tech evolved to Farscape level tech, you could set it up so that you could control the point of exit for the other end of the wormhole. You know, like over the boss’s desk or next to an American Idol contestant.

(Unrealistic)   The Victory Streak: Issue #1 by year’s end.


Live by the sword, Bill…

  1. Sean says:

    Great, Jerry wants a technological portable hole.
    We just got on Netflix and we’re kinda doing the tv thing, in fact I just watched a classic Tom Baker Who episode. Course, it won’t do any good for the ones they don’t have, but STILL….

  2. jjchandler says:

    Who needs Netflix for that? I’ve got about 200 Doctor Who’s floating around. Well, maybe not that many, but quite a few.

    Besides, what good is Netflix for my wanting Fresno, Trapper John, M.D. or Something’s Afoot? Nope. I want My TV Time Tuner.

  3. Micha says:

    I want the CSI music. Not the opening, but the short up tempo techno music that enables you to do hours and days of work in 15 seconds.

    And I want to taken over by an alien. I’m sure somebody else could do a better job with my life than I have. (than?)

  4. Sean says:

    Micha, I’ll have Uncle Twofingers put in a call up to Fuzzbop, see if we can getcha one.

    What kind of batteries does this TV time tuner use?

  5. Bill Myers says:

    @Jerry: “(Unrealistic) The Victory Streak: Issue #1.”

    Geez, Jerry, at least the stuff I posted wasn’t personal (no one believes you and J. Edgar Hoover had anything in common beyond being in the same general profession).

    Maybe you’re right, though. Maybe I’m not good enough and should stop kidding myself.

  6. Bill Myers says:

    If you read my prior post and felt even the slightest twinge of guilt, I’ve one word for you:


  7. Bill Myers says:

    P.S. You have taken a skirmish and turned it into a war.

  8. Bill Myers says:

    P.P.S. And no amount of portaljohns will save your sorry butt.

  9. jjchandler says:

    Hey, I wouldn’t have said it in jest if I didn’t think that you were making headway at this point.


    Now put down the airmail envelope and dead squirrel, have a nice cold beer and watch some good, relaxing, before bed zombie films to take the edge off.

  10. Bill Myers says:

    Hey, I’m feeling REAL good tonight. Just 10 minutes ago, I learned that Gordon Lee’s case has been DISMISSED. I am happy, happy, HAPPY!!!

  11. jjchandler says:


    Guilt, guilt, guilt!

    What is this “guilt” thing you keep speaking of? Your speech confuses me!

    Don’t make me use the wristband on you!!!!

  12. jjchandler says:

    Ok, all joking aside, that’s F’N awesome as hell. Are you posting a bit and a link on your site?

  13. Bill Myers says:

    When I get the chance, yeah, I’ll post something on my site.

    And just to ensure there are no misunderstandings: I really, really, REALLY wasn’t offended by your remark about “The Victory Streak.” In fact, I’d prefer that you continue to give me the occasional odd kick in the @$$ to help me stay focused. 🙂 It’s all in good fun, and I know that it’s coming from a good place because you are a good person.

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