Having been sick for almost a week now, I’ve been really itching to share some misery. To that end, I give you the first Puns & Jokes thread. Feel free to add your worst.
I commanded a submarine in her Majesty’s Navy during the last World War and I had at least one secret mission. The famous spy and notorious ladies man Harry Lime, the celebrated Third Man, had developed a sudden case of astigmatism — and many of his espionage activities forbade dependence on spectacles.
At that time only one visionary in the world was working on the development of a practical contact lens: A specialist at Sir Walter Reed Hospital in America.
I was ordered to convey Lime in the utmost secrecy and the fetch him home again. Lime was an excellent actor, of course, but, after observing him navigate his way around the sub and interact with its crew for a few days with little or no problems, I began to suspect that there was nothing wrong with his vision. I then learned from one of my men that Lime had a girlfriend who lived not twenty miles from the hospital. So, upon docking in port, I called him into my cabin.
After having him sit, I fixed him with my most serious gaze. “I consider my duties to Queen and Country to be of the utmost importance and do not look kindly upon trivial wastes of time. If this is indeed a legitimate mission,” I said coolly, “I have no problems with it. However, if there are certain… other agendas… at work here, I will be less then pleased with the situation.”
“Now, I can’t prove a thing against you,” I said to the now uncomfortable spy, “but I’m ordering you to go directly from the sub, Lime, to the Reed oculist.”